i've been feeling very foggy lately, like the picture of the bridge (i took it on saturday morning while in the park with hana). right now i'm sitting in a quiet apartment that has been through a bit of chaos. there is a huge hole in the kitchen wall, the contents of our large closet are strewn all over the living room, and plastic sheeting is lying limply over our counter space. i'm at home because of a bad back. it's painful enough to have kept me here, but i feel well enough that i'm going stir crazy. the hole in the wall is because one of the ugly old pipes in our building has cracked, and it's causing water to seep in under our kitchen floor, leaving dark patches in the marble. the plumber ripped open the wall, but has not been back yet today to replace the pipe. i hate plumbers. i hate old pipes.

i'm missing mark and hana right now. hana is out somewhere with antoinette and i couldn't go with them because of my back. mark of course is at work. i'm trying to get some work done, but my boss told me this should be considered a 'sick day' so i don't really want to answer too many emails. i'm trying to enjoy my time at home. it's nice to be home on random days, so i can play with hana and see her during the day. on the other hand it confuses her, and it seems that she stares at me with a confused look. a look that says to me that i'm not supposed to be here, because antoinette is here. i know that she knows i'm mommy, and antoinette is something else. even though she spends more day time hours with her. it makes me uneasy to be here with them, because i start to realize just how much quality time i'm missing out on. it's as if i've been in denial this whole year- maybe working every day away from hana really isn't ok, even though i keep telling myself that it is. i'm at quite an impasse over the whole thing. if that is the right word. i know that if i were to stay home i would enjoy the time with hana, but i'd feel like i was missing an important part of myself. being a working mother is really difficult (yeah big revelation). i guess it means that something is always being compromised. it means trying to always budget your time, but never quite winning the battle. as i start to slowly consider the idea of a second child, it dawns on me that i haven't even spent enough time with hana to feel like i'm anwyhere near ready to bring another person into our lives.

oh well, i better snap myself out of this fog, as it's getting late and i'm sure antoinette and hana will be back soon. i try to tell myself that everything works out in the end, if i worry about it or not. so i should just stop the worrying.