i've been feeling very foggy lately, like the picture of the bridge (i took it on saturday morning while in the park with hana). right now i'm sitting in a quiet apartment that has been through a bit of chaos. there is a huge hole in the kitchen wall, the contents of our large closet are strewn all over the living room, and plastic sheeting is lying limply over our counter space. i'm at home because of a bad back. it's painful enough to have kept me here, but i feel well enough that i'm going stir crazy. the hole in the wall is because one of the ugly old pipes in our building has cracked, and it's causing water to seep in under our kitchen floor, leaving dark patches in the marble. the plumber ripped open the wall, but has not been back yet today to replace the pipe. i hate plumbers. i hate old pipes.

i'm missing mark and hana right now. hana is out somewhere with antoinette and i couldn't go with them because of my back. mark of course is at work. i'm trying to get some work done, but my boss told me this should be considered a 'sick day' so i don't really want to answer too many emails. i'm trying to enjoy my time at home. it's nice to be home on random days, so i can play with hana and see her during the day. on the other hand it confuses her, and it seems that she stares at me with a confused look. a look that says to me that i'm not supposed to be here, because antoinette is here. i know that she knows i'm mommy, and antoinette is something else. even though she spends more day time hours with her. it makes me uneasy to be here with them, because i start to realize just how much quality time i'm missing out on. it's as if i've been in denial this whole year- maybe working every day away from hana really isn't ok, even though i keep telling myself that it is. i'm at quite an impasse over the whole thing. if that is the right word. i know that if i were to stay home i would enjoy the time with hana, but i'd feel like i was missing an important part of myself. being a working mother is really difficult (yeah big revelation). i guess it means that something is always being compromised. it means trying to always budget your time, but never quite winning the battle. as i start to slowly consider the idea of a second child, it dawns on me that i haven't even spent enough time with hana to feel like i'm anwyhere near ready to bring another person into our lives.

oh well, i better snap myself out of this fog, as it's getting late and i'm sure antoinette and hana will be back soon. i try to tell myself that everything works out in the end, if i worry about it or not. so i should just stop the worrying.

Ramen and friends

A few weeks ago I discovered that a new co-worker of mine is just as enamored with food as I am! She has her own food blog called Ramen and Friends. A bunch of us SHO employees have been out to lunch twice to review ramen joints for her blog.
http://www.ramenandfriends.com/
Yay, Yoshie!

rambling about Hana's birthday...

It has taken me a few days to think about what I want to say about Hana's first birthday. I'm trying to get over the surreal thought that it has already been a year since her birth. A year ago I was half asleep, holding her in my arms, trying to figure out why she was crying, and why I was so depressed. The time has gone by so quickly! Thankfully the depression dissolved after a couple of months, and now I look back at her first few months with love and happiness. I'll admit that the first few months are a bit hazy, as I don't do very well with sleep deprivation (Mark can certainly agree with this). But I do have vivid memories of rocking with her at 4am, and watching her sweet face fall asleep. I'd look out the window and see the cars drive on the FDR and over the Williamsburg bridge, and wonder where everyone was going at 4am on a tuesday.

But goodness, what a year it has been! I never really thought about how amazing it would be to watch your child grow and discover the world. the constant cries of a baby has developed into two syllable words. she has an amazing ambition to move around, even as a young newborn. i remember when Mark and I had a particularly difficult night with her, and we put her on the changing table at 2am, and watched her kick her legs like she was high on caffeine, wondering when she'd finally settle in and sleep. She's such an amazing little person...inquisitive, bold, fun, and silly. she's also really sweet. she loves to share her toys and food (I'm curious to see how that will change as she reaches her second year). she loves to eat! anything and everything. it's so much fun to watch her try everything we put in front of her. she's a natural foodie :) and did i mention, she's just so much fun! she's starting to walk, and watching her toddle towards me with a huge, proud smile on her face is probably the best thing in the entire world, ever. i also love how every morning she goes over to the stereo, and makes it quite clear that she wants you to turn on her CD. once the music starts, she smiles, and starts to wiggle around. and she claps when each song is through. how cute is that? almost too cute.

it's amazing that in one year a helpless baby can become a toddler. and I can hardly explain how much love and happiness she brings to my life. the three of us are such a happy family! It's almost disgusting :) I thank the stars that we have such a happy, healthy little girl, and such a lovely family.

Oh, right, her party...it was fun, and exhausting. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and there was lots of good food. We had various sandwiches, salads, veggies, hummus, chips, lasagna, fruit, cupcakes and cookies. I baked the cupcakes and cookies, which was more work that I had really thought through, but it was worth it. It was lovely to share Hana's first birthday with our family and close friends.

I can't even imagine what type of person she's going to be in another year. But I am looking forward to the whole experience!